Just had a soulgasm.

Seeing Nik Bärtsch's RONIN was so incredible that I had to post about it, somewhere, anywhere.

It was like being a virgin, then having crazy weird kinky sex for your first time, and then enjoying it soooo much. Ronin is such a good name for the band because they are so unorthodox, got such a weird vibe, but at the same time kick fucking ass and have a deep emotional streak. I found myself uncontrollably whispering "fuck yeah" and "ya you play that goddamn six-string bass" under my breath.

Highly recommended.

It's been over a year since I took a one-way ticket out to CA. In a couple weeks, I'll  be off on another one-way move, this time to Beijing, China.

Looking back, it seems ridiculous how incredibly stressed and nervous I was about the move one year ago. Really, life is not that hard. Once I realized how easy it is to live off of 50k / year, life settled into a comfortable, lethargic pace. I learned that, like in school, people like to slack off in working environments and rarely push themselves. Likewise, I discovered that even as contributing members to society, working professionals are still largely ignorant about the world outside of their own "bubble." I have had a nice place to live in, a steady job with good pay, and a decent car to get around. I guess that at this point, a normal person would work towards getting married, climbing the career ladder, buying a house, etc.

Unfortunately, it's not in my nature to follow these patterns.

In the past year, I've made a lot of new friends. The difference this time, was that they weren't poor students with no money. I've met so many wonderful people. Some regular young professionals on their first job like me, other more accomplished professionals with long careers behind them, and others in between. After hanging out with extraordinarily successful people my age, who make well over six-figures and support expensive lifestyles, I realized that all of these characteristics of the commonly described "high life" (designer apartments, VIP club membership, hot ladies lined up to fuck you, etc.) do not (always) equate to happiness or even moderate satisfaction.

As my one friend recently said: "I've gone through the entire checklist: Ivy league degree- check, job at top-level financial firm- check, hot girlfriend- check... but I still haven't made it." I would disagree with him, but the truth is that we all judge our success based on personal standards. Comparing these people to the musicians, professors, athletes, intellectuals, and artists that I met, admired and respected in my college years, I don't take anything from the success and accomplishments of any of these people. Really, I think, happiness in life (for guys at least), comes from a strong sense of identity and mission in life (and from girls too haha, but that's for another post). What is more important than any standard of "success" is a set of strong ideals that are actually followed, and crucially, the relationships developed along the way.

For me, I'm not done exploring yet. I'm not done trying to get rich either. I feel that moving to China will be the beginning of a new lifestyle for me, and I don't put any limitations on where I go or what I will do afterward. One thing that I doubt though, is that I will ever return to such a cleanly prepared "real world." I think from now on, I will decide my own reality and way of life, it should be more interesting that way.

OK, that should end my review, the final grade: C. On more practical terms, please let me know of any web dev jobs you might throw my way :)

BTW, I knew I was right about Asian(-American)s being racist... check out this snippet from an NYT article:

Several studies have shown that living with a roommate of a different race changes students’ attitudes. One, from the University of California at Los Angeles, generally found decreased prejudice among students with different-race roommates — but those who roomed with Asian-Americans, the group that scored the highest on measures of prejudice, became more prejudiced themselves.

The beauty of LiveJournal is that posting is an active construction of social identity. Regardless of the outcome, you can always learn a lot about yourself when you sit in front of the computer and think of what you want to write and how to write it.

Every time I write a post on LJ, I get halfway through and suddenly realize I'm trying to project a certain type of social image along with the actual content of what I'm writing. Sometimes this is acceptable, but half the time I end up scrapping my post and not posting anything. This is something I've always struggled with. On the one hand, trying to appeal to people with some sort of value and hoping they will accept me/like me, and on the other, breaking down the bullshit that is the by-product of those attempts.

My icon on here used to be a quote from Bruce Lee: "To know oneself is to study oneself in action with another person."

Quotes like this seem to get more insightful as you grow older, especially as you learn to spot projected images both from other people and yourself. With experience, most people become more attuned to when others are saying or doing something to give off a certain impression. Less people, I think, can apply the same enhanced perception to themselves.

In some cases I've realized that my projected image is not just for other people, but for myself as well. If a projected image- by its inherent meaning- is something that is dishonest, and if my own identity is based on my interaction with others, then my projected image will in turn influence my own self-perception. So when I am writing an LJ post and I stop to think "wtf are you writing Pin?", what I'm doing is capturing and understanding how I want to be looked at by others. In doing so, I can clarify those aspects of a projected image confusing my self-perception and attain a better understanding of why I want to be perceived as such. This is a new revelation for me, since I always thought that it was self-honesty that led to honesty with others in a linear fashion, whereas now I understand this relationship to be a two-way street. The benefit of this understanding is not only honest self-expression, but a more honest self-assessment when it comes to social identity.

Now that's some serious knowledge of self.

Cheers,
Pin

Again, what's with the ignorance?

Nobody gives a flying fuck about Palestinian civilians. Israel has invaded Gaza for what? To stop rockets by killing the families of hamas militants? That's some bullshit.

Israel's strategy here has nothing to do with deterrence or any of that other bullshit its propaganda machine is spewing out, their goal is to manage the entire conflict via economic and military dominance and oppression. fuck that shit.

And somehow, we got an entire population of fucktards who enjoy cheerleading this war, as if its justified. "If rockets were being launched into my home, bnlabbalblalaa" FUCK YOU, dumb piece of shit! What would you do if you were a Palestinian child who lost both of his parents to Israeli airstrikes. What if you were a Palestinian mother whose son is blind from white phosphorous, what if you were a Palestinian leader who saw the Gaza strip filled with refugees who were forced to leave by Israelis, and then systematically blockaded and sabotaged both politically and economically for several decades. What if the only truly democratically elected government in the middle east was not recognized by Israel, the United States, and then the rest of these pussy ass Israel-nutsack-licking countries in the west, how the fuck would you react as a Palestinian?

And the bottom line is, at no point are civilian deaths (at any scale) an acceptable strategy of war. Precedents don't justify it. Nothing justifies it. Palestinians don't have the luxury of this kind of morality, they can't even fucking live properly so how do you expect them to give two fucks about what terrorism is. Israel and the US on the other hand, could easily stop acting like high school thugs and think for a few fuckin seconds on consequences, morality and efficacy of murdering large quantities of innocent people.

I'm probably gonna move to the middle east and work with Palestinian kids. This is bullshit.

So, on Friday they had the company meeting, and I was voted as the employee of the month.

Since we've had two rounds of layoffs in recent months, and the morale budget was cut to all teams, we decided to use my $175 best buy gift cards to buy Rock Band 2 for the company.

To be honest, since Friday (since December started) I've really been feeling off. Employee of the month should make me feel happy but it just makes me feel like I'm dying on the inside.

The novelty of living in California has totally worn off. I think living here has spoiled life for me: I can't stand slightly cold weather, I'm used to being lazy and eating out all the time, I've become super picky about many things, etc.

I've transitioned into living by myself and taking care of my shit pretty easily. I feel like I'm that older kid in a grade with a bunch of younger people, owning shit up but still knowing I should be ahead. My roommate says I'm going through my "Quarter Life Crisis," which apparently lots of people are having these days. It sounds like some bullshit to me, all of us pansy-ass privileged kids who got to go to college and now suddenly can't find ourselves or whatever. I think its just some lazy shit, and that I'm way too into posing and shopping online and caring about a bunch of bullshit and I need to get back to the basics. What I'm saying here is that out west, even if Bay area residents are bad ass and super cool, we still got our own type of posing. It might be greener, more tech-savvy and avant garde, but the point is it covers up the laziness underneath that I KNOW lots of people around here fall in to.

Either way, I'm going through that cycle of non-satisfaction again, as I always do. Life is getting too comfortable again, and it makes me feel uneasy. I feel like what I really need is some really hot girls to talk some trash to me, or some heartless bitch to break my heart... that always gets me motivated and hungry for challenges.

I think fundamentally, my problem is with my career as a web developer. Even though I'm DAMN good at that shit, its not what I feel like I should be doing. I knew this was going to happen. Hopefully, I can somehow translate this restlessness into productivity in early 2009 and make things happen for myself.

Had to crosspost this one...
http://www.shuugouteki.net/blog/?p=105

Some cool people and I are starting a new blog about music, politics, interesting stuff, etc. etc.

You can check it out at http://www.shuugouteki.net/blog/

A close buddy of mine who works at Citadel Group has been warning me of the "end of the world" for over a year now. With the recession, he continues to tell me how things will probably get even worse and how we're all probably screwed. For some reason, his warnings don't have much of an effect on me. It's not that I don't believe what he says, I definitely believe it. There are a lot of other things going on in the world that should scare me as well but don't. My problem is that I think I'm invincible.

( Read more... )

Now for my roommate, Doug!

YAO YAO, CHECK IT
I WENT TO THE CLUB GOT ALL THE GUURRRRLS IN THURRRRR
I THOUGHT OH DAMN THE PARTYS RIGHT HURRRR
I ASKED FOR A MARTINI, SHAKEN NOT STURRRRRED
AFTER A COUPLE MY SPEECH BECAME SLURRRRRED
DEN MY VISION BECAME BLURRRRRED
WHAT DID YOU SAY? I DIDNT HURRRRRR
THEN I REALIZED IT WAS HOLLUUURRR BACK GUUUUURRRR
I WENT TO DANCE THATS WHEN I SAW HUUURRRRRR
SHE SAID "MY NAMES AMY, WHAT UUURRRRRRRS?"
I SAID "ITS P WIDDY, EVERYBODY KNOWS DUUURRRRRRRR"
THEN I WAS LIKE GUUUURLL I GOT THE UUUUUURGE
I TUUUUUURRRNED AROUND IT WAS TIME TO PUUUUURGE
I WAS FEELING KINDA HUUUUUURT WHEN I STARTED TO SPLUUUURGE
I TRIED TO STAY BUT BOUNCUUURRRS KICKED ME TO DA CUUUUURB
DAMN IT WAS COLD OUT I LET OUT A BBRRRRR
TIME TO WARM UP, SO I SPIT THE HOT FIYURRRR

Check it out.

LITERALLY,

My coworker ordered Ninja Gaiden 2 off of eBay and received a page from the bible with her game! HAHAHAHA

Was something about Solomon building a house

This is just my response to something aimoto posted on is blog:
"Just a thought, but I think the fact that he's the first black guy to be elected president is being blown a little out of proportion, or at least in Japan it is. I mean, it's great and all, but what's more important to me is having someone competent run the country. After all, it's not like people voted for him because he's black (although I know a lot of people did).

The headlines should read "Years of incompetence over!" not "オバマ氏が当選　史上初の黒人" (Obama first black person to be elected)."

I had the same reaction as you on election night. My thoughts were "the triumph of tonight is not that he is black, but because it didn't matter he was black!" Totally agree that its about voting for someone based on merit and not race, and at the same time this does not say as much as it could about racism in America (how many people voted against him because he was black? that's really hard to say)

However, I began to change my perspective when I heard Common express his feelings, and later Lupe more in depth. This may or may not be the ultimate triumph of the Civil Rights movement, but to black people it certainly is a very inspiring achievement that can definitely change the mindset of black people. As you guys know I've been really into hip-hop over the last couple of years, and a lot of what I listen to is very negative, counter-establishment material. A lot of hip-hop speaks of how frustrating the black experience is and how black people are forced into certain paths in life. As Lupe said, now there is no excuse, and maybe Obama's succses, his eloquence not in speech but his "eloquence in action" may indeed trickle down.

Either way, I feel like listening to more optimistic hip-hop now :)

Cheers,
Pin

Guess I won't have to move out of the country after all!!

This is a post that I've wanted to write for a while now. It has do with what I believe is a person's most valuable attribute: spirit.

A lot of people think of the spirit as something that is disconnected with their physical bodies, and maybe as something that has to do with the afterlife or a different "world." To me, this could not be farther from the truth.

The spirit is part of the mind and body and is constantly present in daily life. Discipline, tenacity, heart, intensity, willpower, and dedication. These to me all reflect the meaning of spirit and are reflected in the actions of every day life. Spirit is the driving force behind our actions, and has a direct effect on the results of those actions. A strong spirit can conquer any obstacle, and can drive the mind and body to improve.

All of the people I admire have strong spirit. Spirit to me can be everything from getting a couple extra reps in on a particularly tough lift at the gym, to waking up and getting to work early consistently. An optimistic attitude is reflective of strong spirit, as is confidence and a strong desire to improve. Being unafraid to experiment, and being unafraid in general are signs of strong spirit as well. Most importantly, having a strong spirit reflects a strong grounding in reality.

You might say that my idea of spirit goes way beyond what the word normally implies, but I think my definition includes those other ideas. A more traditional idea of spirit implies something out-of-the-ordinary, and is dependent on religious views (spiritual views). But the truth is that regardless of what happens after life, and wherever your spirit "goes", it is the intensity of your spirit during life that determines how that life is lived and how much it affects the world.

So with that said, I consider myself a very spiritual person. I believe in science, I have no religion, and I am skeptical of the supernatural. Yet, I consider myself spiritual because to me, spirit is not something intangible but something real and concrete that is tested every day. Extended to my world views, it means that I have 'faith' in how things will work out, not faith in God or karma, but in myself and the people around me. It means that I take responsibility for the world around me and that I acknowledge that regardless of the impact I make, I will try.

If life is a beautifully rich, complex and meaningful thing (it is), then what is the point of a spiritual view that undermines that meaning? I think for a lot of people, spirituality becomes a slave to apathy or lethargy and then transforms into an excuse to not try, an excuse to not care, or an excuse to be sinful and pathetic, when in fact spirituality should be what drives us all to improve and become better people. I really think this is an idea that is missing from what we learn as people and what is taught to us, and I think it is one of the most important things I have ever learned.

So that's what I believe: spirit is an acknowledgment of reality; it's a refusal to ever give up and the desire to try as hard as possible. It is the level to which we participate in our own lives and the process of giving meaning to every action we make. Yes, these are very strong and broad ideas, but that's because I'm a very spiritual person!

Cheers,
Pin

Here in the south bay, everyone is used to it being Sunny EVERYDAY. In the summers, this is literally the case, and all the grass dries up and turns a pale yellow/golden color. Apparently in the winter all of this grass is supposed to turn green again, which I am really looking forward to. I'm also looking forward to experiencing a warm winter for the first time in my life [I have experienced cold winters in Canada, and pathetic winters in VA]).

San Francisco on the other hand, is another story. I love the city, but DAMN it gets cold. The summers in SF are probably colder than the winters in VA... no joke.

Today I moved into my more permanent place. I went to IKEA yesterday and owned my bank account balance (I WIN!!!) I think I was too ambitious and bought stuff that will hardly fit in my room. Anyways, the new place is pretty nice, we have in-wall speakers, giant TV with universal remote, dimming lights throughout the house, etc.

I met up with pojz and her boyfriend Cory a few days ago. I've known these two people on the internet for the longest time, and it was great to see them. Every time meet up with someone I've known for a while but haven't seen, I get both a feeling of nostalgia, and also this feeling of restlessness. It's a reminder that the world is constantly changing, that everybody is changing, and that I need to keep moving with the world. There is just so much to do out there, and the next time I meet with someone I haven't seen for a while, I'd like to be satisfied with what I have done.

Anyways, I'd like to end with a comment about Chinese people. What's with the way they drink wine? All we do is spill it EVERYWHERE. Just look in the movies, they take this giant ass container of wine with a huge opening, and just turn that shit upside down. There is NO WAY this is an accurate or efficient way to drink wine. Wine spills over the face, the body, almost everywhere except into the mouth. Likewise, when pouring into bowls, wine is spilled EVERYWHERE, then the wine is splashed generally in the direction of the face with very little actually entering the mouth. My theory is that this is the reason I have low alcohol tolerance :(

Now to assemble some IKEA stuff. Till next time, cheers!
Pin

lights, glaring.
the truth is just so blinding
and that noise, blaring.
to my comfort so disturbing
as it knocks on my mind, so insistent, like a river.
Flowin through time, so consistent, it delivers.

reality! who am I?
just a fucker who is guarding...
a whole. wide. world, of children who are starving.
prisoners of fate? they're prisoners of me
my comfort is their cage its so obvious can't you see?

"wake the fuck up" "wake the fuck up!"
is that my spirit screaming?
why is the rage being sucked up
by machines... why are they winning?

cause in the game of waiting you get points for regret.
trying is to no end, while being ignant is the trend
just picture what you want, then make the spoon bend
anyone can do it, even you, try screaming "free tibet!"

begging for a rude awakening,
i need to dry my tear ducts
crying but not crying
while im lying but not trying

to my conscience: shut the fuck up
bitch more and you'll get roughed up
middle class ghetto talk is the casual sound
perfect for sitting in the dark while being raped by a clown

...but watch out for the...

[chorus]
lights, glaring.
the truth is just so blinding
and that noise, blaring.
to my comfort so disturbing
as it knocks on my mind, so insistent, like a river.
Flowin through time, so consistent, it delivers.

reality! who am I?
just a fucker who is guarding...
a whole. wide. world, of children who are starving
prisoners of fate? they're prisoners of me
my comfort is their cage its so obvious can't you see?

like a hangover and some girl,
like mass murder on the news,
my action and inaction make me feel like its not real
"what's wrong with the world?"
I got the bullshit blues...
Knowing what I know and I know that its not real

but im restless, what is this? its pushin on my chest
just confess, toss this logic-proof vest
put the heart to the test, and reconcile the mind with the rest
and then in your own mind you can be the guest

Recent Projects

Future Projects

Life

Things are distinctly different over here. I'm living in the burbs still but here are a few things that I've noticed:

1. Food
1A. Nobody really cooks. Everyone eats out all the time, there is such a large selection of food at all price ranges that people eat out all the time. I've budgeted $20 a day for food... hope thats enough lol.
1B. Noodle Soup everywhere. I love noodle soup, in NOVA I could never find it (other than Pho of course). Here it's EVERYWHERE and in all different kinds. Also had Zha Jiang Mian or Za Zang or whatever in Korean.

2. People
2A. Very liberal. You know how you often meet that type of person who you know you have to tip toe around and watch your words/be politically correct around? Well, I haven't met anyone like that. It's not just gay friendly, it's just friendly period.
2B. Helpful. I asked some dude with my window rolled down how to get somewhere (on the road) and he told me to follow him! Also the people I've met while house searching have all be super cool in terms of letting me know whats up and not trying to dagger me.
2C. Relaxed. Goddamn its chill out here. My company goes out for lunch everyday, and it's a two hour lunch break... after we drive to a restaurant, eat, and come back, we stand around a little for an "after lunch break." Everyone I've met could be considered "chill." Although many people work pretty hard, they are still laid back people.
2D. Hi-tech. It's Silicon Valley, just imagine if everyone around you worked in hi-tech industries. Everyone here has a certain amount of common ground when it comes to lifestyles, which is nice.

3. Expensive as fuck. Eating out all the time, plus spending $700-$1000 to share an apartment/house with someone takes a big chunk out of my paycheck.

4. Little nubs in the road. Instead of having just those dotted lane dividers, they have these little nub things that stick out of the road slightly. I have yet to examine one up close, it's on my list of things to do. It's great because when you switch lanes you can try to do it without hitting the little nubs and therefore changing lanes becomes much more fun.

So I just (finally) finalized my living arrangements. I'll be living with two black girls starting tomorrow. It's funny because the reason they decided to meet up with me on short notice is that I mentioned my paper about hip hop in the Yugoslavia, and they had actually visited the former communist nation before. They told me about how people kept calling them "nigger" without realizing it was a bad word haha.

I'll be living with them until the end of August, at which point I will move into a more permanent home with two roommates, one of which works for Apple as QA in their games division. Haven't met the other roommate, all I know is he plays guitar! The place is really really nice, and I definitely look forward to living in both places.

Now to watch an MMA event before turning in... you sleep so much better when you are out and about from 8AM to 8PM haha.

Cheers,
-Pin

On Saturday night I took a redeye flight back to DC. On Monday morning I departed in my Scion tC for the promised land of California.

Yes, over 1800 miles later I am now in Santa Fe, New Mexico.

Thus far, the trip has been complete shit. I think I would have enjoyed the whole thing, except I picked up a virus of some sort the ONE DAY I was in NoVA and have been deathly sick since then.

During my epic travels thus far I have passed through such towns as Knoxville, Nashville, Little Rock, Palestine, Oklahoma City, Amarillo, Carthage, Memphis, Sparta, and Lebanon. Also, shout out to all the people at Christiansburg a.k.a. Virginia Tech.

It's been pretty wild. There have been some pretty dramatic changes in terrain, climate, and plant life as I drove across the states. Especially after hitting Arkansas, lots of flat terrain allows you to see really far off into the distance for some picturesque settings. Especially when the sun starts to set, the horizons take on some soft gradients and you are treated to a beautiful panoramic view of sky and earth.

Anyways. It's been a pretty boring trip thus far since I've been sick. Just lots of bugs dying on my windshield, then some summer showers washing my windshield, then more bugs, etc. etc. I'm gonna turn in early and hope I wake up not sick anymore. Tomorrow I do the grand canyon, and the day after that, Blue Man Group at the Venetian in Vegas!

Cheers,
-Pin

I'm pretty overdue for an update haha. I've been writing so many cover letters and tests in the last month and a half that I don't know if I'll be able to write a casual journal entry... so bear with me :)

So, I moved to the San Francisco bay area.

Also, bears rock.

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Thanks to Victor for letting me stay at his place, or I should really be thanking Nick for letting me hijack his room before he gets here! Thanks to everyone who I have talked to in the last 3 weeks and who gave me advice or just talked to me about the challenges I was facing. I hope to work hard and open opportunities for myself in game development and eventually achieve my dreams. My plan is to get to know some producers, get an MBA after two years, and have a junior producer position waiting for me when I finish. Then I can eventually move into design. Thanks for reading, and good luck to everyone.

Cheers,
-Pin